Graduation Time Is Here: A Bittersweet Moment

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It’s that time of year again. You know, the time where high school seniors are getting ready for two traditionally big events in their lives, prom and graduation. But they aren’t the only seniors that are getting ready for life changing events, we can’t forget about the college seniors that are graduating and getting ready to go out in the real world.  It’s also the time for graduation ceremonies to blast Vitamin C’s “Graduation” out of their PA speakers, and for those graduating to consistently remind people via social media when, where, and/or the countdown till they walk. Oh, and we can’t forget about the endless amount of pictures uploaded onto the internet with them in their cap and gown. Gag. I hate this time of year.

Why am I so bitter, you might ask. Well, it’s quite simple. This was supposed to be the year I graduated from college. Class of 2013 was supposed to be my year. I was supposed to be going into the real world or going off to graduate school.  But it’s not and I’m not. I’m stuck working a minimum wage job because I am being forced to pay back 14 grand that wasn’t paid for last Spring. Otherwise, I would not be writing this article today. Also, I wouldn’t be so bitter.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for all of those that I know that are graduating from college this year, but it just sucks that I’m not walking with them. It makes me feel like I didn’t try my hardest. I’m a drop out, a failure. Yeah, I know that it’s not all on me, and it is not my fault, but it just sucks that I can’t graduate with my high school class this year. I don’t even know if I will be graduating from college. My plans have changed over the past year considerably, but I will talk about that later.

Right now, this article is for all my friends that have graduated from college this year. I hate that I’m not graduating with you all, but I am very proud of you. Regardless of my feelings towards this graduation season, I am happy that you have accomplished one of the biggest tasks in life. Congratulations, you made it to the real world. Whether you are continuing on to grad school, starting a job within your degree, or doing both, I wish you all the best.

“You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world.” -Tom Brokaw

Music Has Saved My Life

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Music has always been my saving grace. No, I don’t sing or play any instruments. However, I did try and play guitar for about six years, and I pretended that I could play to trumpet when I was in 5th grade. Yes, I did say pretend, my parents really just wanted me play a band instrument. I am so tone deaf it is not even funny. That doesn’t stop me from singing like any other person that has a horrid singing voice. I don’t know how many of you are with music, but I listen to everything. By everything, I mean the typical music genres like rock, rap, pop, r&b, country, etc. and even some of the atypical ones like, big band, jazz, or classical. At one point or another, each genre has played a huge part in my life.

This week, I will be picking one artist from three music genres, and explain why that particular artist had such an impact in my life. Music has gotten me through a lot in my life, and it still does. Fair warning though, some of the artists that I am about to mention are pretty out there and are all over the place.

1. Country: The Band Perry–I haven’t always been the biggest fan of country music, and when I was younger, I used to say that I would never listen to country music because it was very “honky tonk”. However, as I grew up, I started listening to very sporadic country artists, such as Sheryl Crow, LeAnn Rimes, Faith Hill, and Shania Twain, but I was very much a closeted country music fan. That was until this I heard “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry just about two years ago. If y’all haven’t heard the song yet, listen to it here, but it’s basically about the sadness of dying young, and how dying at young age you really don’t get to experience love and worrying about how your loved ones will miss you. When I first listened to this song, I wasn’t at terribly troubled time in my life, I was just at a point in which I had just come out as trans, but I still hadn’t come out to my family, I was spending the summer helping my parents move to North Carolina, and since they didn’t know, they were still calling my by my birth name and with female pronouns, so it just put a lot of doubt in my mind, and I had thoughts of ending my life. Then I heard that song, and it really brought things into perspective for me, and helped me realize that I still had so much life ahead of me that I should continue on strong, and to not give up.

2. Soul/R&B: Adele–What can I say about this gorgeous, soulful, and talented artist? I would like a second to geek about Adele. She has one of the best vocals I have ever heard. Second’s over. Like most people, the first song I heard from Adele was “Rolling In the Deep,” but it wasn’t until I listened to her song “One and Only” did I realized how much I really loved her musical talent.  You can listen to that song here. I listened to this song over and over again before my partner and I started dating. I’m not really sure why I considered it fitting to my situation, but it did. I think it was more for me. It was kinda like Adele was basically saying to me, “Lukas, it’ll be okay. You can give her your heart. She won’t break it like the others.” Obviously, I know she wasn’t actually saying that to me, but “One and Only” definitely helped me sort out my feels for my partner. Adele’s music also helped me at an earlier time in my life, but only it wasn’t an original Adele song, it was her rendition of The Cure’s “Lovesong.” When I was about to have that first conversation with my parents after coming out to them, I had that song on repeat. I just listened it to over and over again, and it just calmed me. It’s really not about the lyrics with this song, but how soft Adele’s voice is with the beautiful music accompanying her. To this day, Adele’s cover of “Lovesong” still soothes me.

3. Pop/Rock: P!nk–I have loved P!nk since she burst into the spotlight with her hit single, “There You Go.” P!nk’s music has been with me since I can remember. Her music has helped me get through so much. I love all her music, and she has songs that can fit any mood that I’m in. The two albums of hers that got me through my worse times are M!ssundaztood and I’m Not Dead. From the M!ssundaztood album, she had songs like “Don’t Let Me Get Me” and “Family Portrait” that helped me get through some bad times with myself and with my family. I believe that I interpret “Don’t Let Me Get Me” completely different than anybody else because I took it as my mother comparing me to all these women, trying to get me to be someone I’m not, I was trying to be like my mom, I was trying to morph myself into someone she wanted me to be, and after I heard this song and watched the video, I realized that I don’t have to be this person my mom wants me to be. I can just be me, but unfortunately, I didn’t know who “me” was at the time. Off her I’m Not Dead album, the song that really spoke to me was “Nobody Knows,” which is a song P!nk wrote about depression, and at the time that I listened to I was on the brink of taking my life. Once I listened to it, and I mean really listened to it, I realized that I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t the only one going through a hard time in my life.

Music has always been my saving grace, and those three artists just mentioned are just a few that at one time or another have helped me through a hard time in my life. P!nk, Adele, and The Band Perry may not know it, but they have saved this little transguy’s life on more than one occasion. Adele said, “I don’t make music for the eyes. I make music for the ears.” Well, Adele, P!nk, and The Band Perry have made music for my heart.

Finding Inspiration on Tumblr

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I am 34 years old and have struggled with gender my entire life.  Growing up, it was not something that I thought I would ever be able to fix but I have since learned that there is an entire community of individuals out there that feel like I do.  Needless to say the f2m trans community has become my brotherhood.  I am constantly scouring the net to find new resources to keep me mentally prepared for the physical changes that I hope to begin making very soon.

One of my favorites of these resources is a site that I visit regularly called “Loading Oliver”.  Oliver is a beautiful trans male that has documented just about every part of his transition on tumblr and is my go to guy for inspiration.  If you know of any other blogs or sites that are helpful trans sites, please feel free to leave them in a comment below. 

 

 

 

A Time For Safety

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As I’m sitting in front of my laptop, thinking of what I could possibly write about, I started going through my Facebook page, and going through un-tagging myself from photos that were before I came out. As I am going through the photos and videos, deleting some and keeping others, thinking two things simultaneously, “wow, how my voice has changed,” or “wow, I looked so different,” and “I don’t know how I should be feeling.” It’s very much a mix of emotions, I’m feeling sad while at the same time I’m happy because I love to reminisce about the old times. Part of me feels like I’m trying to erase my history, but another part of me knows that I’m doing it for safety.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not erasing my history because it lives with me, but it just feels like I’m telling people that my life didn’t start till I was 20 years old, and that’s not true. In the same token however, I have to think of my safety. These are things that people can use to hurt me in one way or another. Because laws are not all the same in every state, if I were at job that somehow got a hold of this pictures, they could use me being transgender as a way to harass and/or fire me, and depending on the state, there’s nothing I could do about it. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but at the same time, I can’t only think of myself anymore. I have my partner to think of as well, and considering the field that she wants to be in, I would prefer to keep my history a mystery to the outside world.

Again, don’t mistake what I am saying. I am not trying to hide or I’m ashamed of who I am. I am very proud to be on this amazing journey. I truly believe that I would not be the man that I am without going through my transition, and being transgender. I feel that I can understand women better than biological men because I lived the life of a woman. I have a female body, and I know how the female body works. I have experienced things that biological men can never experience, and therefore can never truly understand what a woman goes through. However, that’s where my understanding of women stops. I still don’t understand how they think, but I do understand why emotions can just flip flop one to the other.

I am very proud of this path that I was given, but at some point, I have to stop thinking of myself because I am in a committed relationship. It’s not just me anymore. I have a whole other person to think about, and even though I want to be out, loud, and proud, I have to think of her and her safety now too. I will forever be out and proud, but I cannot always be loud about who I am. I must think of our safety, and if taking photos and videos off Facebook is the first step in that direction, then that’s just what I have to do.

It is no longer me against the world, but it is now me and my partner against the world. I promised her forever, and I plan on keeping that promise. One step at time.

Is it Illegal to be Queer in Alabama?

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Received an email from allout.org today that I felt needed to be shared:

 

Pop quiz: Can you go to jail in the United States of America for being gay?

Answer: NO! But, if you’re a student in Alabama, your teacher is required by law to tell you that it’s a criminal offense. Really.

We have a chance to stop the lies right now with a brand new bill that was just introduced. But we have to act fast, because there’s only a few weeks before this legislative session is over for the year. 

Tell lawmakers to pass the “Oppose hate in the classroom” bill (HB 496) before the next class of students graduates. A group of Alabama students will deliver your signatures straight to the legislators on Tuesday, April 9 so they know how many of us are watching!

Sign before Tuesday:
https://www.allout.org/alabama

An entire generation of students are being lied to in Alabama. This includes thousands of LGBT youth, who are being given false information by their own teachers. These lies have the terrible power to hurt students’ mental and physical health, and increase the stigma and shame of being gay.

Right now, Alabama is making it even more likely students will be bullied by their peers, and attacked by their communities if they dare to come out. If Alabama lawmakers don’t feel the pressure from the public and the media right now, this new bill that would end the anti-gay lies won’t even get to a vote. And, we won’t have another chance before 2014. 

Sign now and help make schools a safer place for LGBT students in Alabama:
https://www.allout.org/alabama

This law is a remnant of a not-so-distant time when you could be jailed for being gay in Alabama, as is still the case in 76 countries around the world. The scary thing is that the negative effects are still being felt by LGBT youth today even though it’s no longer a crime.

We’re coming together now with our partners at Advocates for Youth and AIDS Alabama to say that it doesn’t matter what part of the world you’re from. All people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity no matter who they are or who they love.

Sign before April 9 and your signature will be delivered straight to Alabama lawmakers:
https://www.allout.org/alabama

Thanks for going All Out.

Best,

Andre, Hayley, Jeremy, Marie, Sara and the rest of the All Out team.

Captain America: A Transman’s Best Friend

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Captain America

This week, I want to do something a little different, and talk about my favorite super hero of all time-Captain America. I’m going to talk about why he is my favorite superhero of all time. No, it’s not just because Chris Evans played him in Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers, I liked Captain America way before all that. Although, they did pick a really cute actor to portray Captain, but that’s besides the point. Just a little disclaimer before I begin. I am talking about how I see Captain America, not how everyone else sees him or how he’s supposed  to be seen. 

Now, I hope that all of you reading know who Captain America is so I don’t have to spend time explaining to you who he is. However, if you don’t, I will give you a quick synopsis of Cap, but you can also learn more about him at Marvel’s website here. So real quickly, Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, is the recipient of the Super Soldier Serum, which effectively turned him from a frail patriotic soldier into a near perfect human being with peak strength, agility, stamina and intelligence. Google is a great friend if you want to learn even more about him as well. Remember that this is how I see Captain America, so please do not hold anything I say to be ultimate truth. I am merely trying to help you understand Captain America through my eyes.

Captain America to me is the most perfect and imperfect man. Huh? What do I mean by that you ask? It’s simple. He is perfect in the sense that he is extremely physically fit and vastly intelligent, but he is imperfect in the sense that when you boil it down he still is human. I know I’m not making any sense, but bear with me. I’m saying that Cap is still human in the simplest form possible-emotions. It is easily seen when he feels the guilt for the death of his best friend and sidekick, Bucky. His emotions are consistently seen throughout the comics, and even through the most current films. “But Lukas, how does that have anything to do with you being a transman?” you may ask. Well, I’ll tell you.

In the Captain America series, it is widely seen, especially at the beginning that Cap knows who he is and what he wants to do, but because of his small frail stature, people denied him. However, he is given an opportunity to become a super soldier, and when he does, he doesn’t rub it in everyone else’s face. Cap is still humble enough to fight with the “common” people, and he does not feel the need to prove to the people that doubted him anything. He just lives his life the way he sees to fit him.  In the same sense, I’ve known who I was at very young age, but like Captain America, people around me denied who I am. It’s like I was given the opportunity to be a super soldier, and I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone. I am living my life the way I see fit. I am who I am, and like Captain America, I may have had my doubts, but I will always stay true to myself.